Sitting Around The Locker Room

Several men are sitting around the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone rings.  One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

Husband - "Hello?"
Wife - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Husband - "Yes, I am"
Wife - "Great!  I'm at the mall two blocks from where you are and I'm looking at a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

Husband - "What's the price?"
Wife - "Only $1,000."

Husband - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
Wife - "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

Husband - "What price did he quote you?"
Wife - "Only $60,000"

Husband - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Wife - "Great!  But before we hang up, just one more thing..."

Husband - "What?"
Wife - "I happened to stop by the real estate agent's office this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year for sale. The one with a pool, English garden and an acre of park area. The beach front property."

Husband - "How much are they asking?"
Wife - "Only $450,000.00 a terrific price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it" 

A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve shots." 

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts throwing them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "You sure are drinking those drinks awful fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." 

The bartender says, "And what have you got?"

Baseball In Heaven?

John and Cliff were best friends and so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyse everything. 

They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, he would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. 

"Hi, John." 
"Cliff, is it really you?" 
"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and there's bad news." 

Statements That Should Never Be Said To The Police

The following are some statements that you should NEVER say to the police:

• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 

• Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 

• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?  

• Aren't you the guy from the village people? 

• Hey, you must have been going 125 to keep up with me, good job. 

• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 

• I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 

• You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 

•  Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Checking Gas Meters

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to the other. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. 

Finishing with the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to try and prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized that the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. 

Two Campers Were Hiking In The Forest...

 

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden, a bear jumps out of a bushs and starts to chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts putting on his running shoes. 

Roger says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" 

The Honeymoon

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just arrived at their honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Rebecca pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing up at the stars. 

"Honey," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

Various Quotes On Marriage and Such

"Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!"  -- Anonymous
  
"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." -- Voltaire

"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished." -- Goethe